The Horrifying Underwear The Jeggings Trend Hath Wrought [Style File]

Um... Gross

Charlie Sheen is a Mother-Bleeping Dragon

"Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists."

"I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'."

"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words."

"Dying is for fools. Amateurs."

"I've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA."

***

Uh...

The Lower Half

I would like to direct your attention to two other sites. Here and here.

In one, we have someone who is all for this new trend, Jeggings, and the other lets us know that jeggings are not hot but biker tights are. I'd like to let these people know: NO. This is not cute. Even when, as Shopping Fanatic phrases it, you have the body. I'd like to take a firm stance against Jeggings. And also against all the girls running around wearing, basically, opaque nylons as pants. I never thought I'd actually miss spandex. But there you have it. Spandex somehow became less gross.

I just feel like...

... we should go back to our roots a little bit...

Flying like a dragon g6

I'm really lazy about charging my Ipod (plus I like to be in on what the kids are listening to), so I often find myself tuning in (like, literally) to the radio on assorted car voyages. I love Delilah, and how I'm pretty sure we live on different planets--mine has dragons, hers a steady stream of Kenny G. I love 24/7 Christmas music. I love, for example, the angst of today's decision between TLC's Waterfalls and Ja-Rule's Holla Holla. I love that there seems to be a series of five songs on pop stations that are played with an overwhelming frequency; fast forward to a month later, and these songs are never played again. Most of all, I find myself trying to riddle out lyrics. I'm often confused by pop songs, as the lyrical trickery and ambiguity often seem beyond the scope of my intellect.

See, for example, Bruno Mars. I believe the song is named Grenade. He means an actual explosive device, not the Jersey Shore term for an ugly fat girl. The gist of the song is that he would do anything for this girl, even though he realizes that she is terrible and won't do anything for him. He would catch a grenade for her. He would throw his hand on a blade for her. He would jump in front of a train for her. I don't know. It just seems like he is asking to be in the next Saw movie.

See also Katy Perry's Firework, in which a person (you) becomes a metaphor for a firework. You are supposed to show them what you are worth. You are supposed to let your colors burst. So far, I get it. You're supposed to shoot across the sky. Wait...what? Unless you are a dragon, I just don't understand.

The song that currently most puzzles me, however, is Far East Movement's G6. When I first heard the song, all I could riddle out was that people were getting drunk on cold beverages. I assumed that I just wasn't hip, until my little sister, who just knows these things (usually) also expressed her confusion. We spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out just the chorus, and we didn't get much of anywhere, though we gave it a pretty valiant effort. I'm hoping that Amber Nelson, as a poet in the know, could help me through some of these lyrics.
Here is the chorus:
Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Okay. Here is where I'm at. So I'm assuming they are opening bottles on ice. I get that blizzards are cold, and I guess that are of that bottle opening that would almost be blizzard-like (in the sweaty club). I'm assuming that when they drink they do it right getting slizzard means that when you drink you should get really drunk aka slizzard (sort of like a drunk lizard, perhaps). I don't know what sizzurp is (alcoholic syrup?) or how they manage to drink it in their rides. I had no idea what Three 6 means until my sister told me that it was a reference to Three 6 mafia, who you might remember from their Oscar win for "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" from Hustle and Flow. Then there is the feelingof being so fly like a g6. I thought I had this one--a g6 is a plane, no? BUT WAIT, it's not! So what does it all MEAN? I need help!

Dragons!

BUY ONE HERE

Jennifer's Body, or The Dragon's Demotion

O, how the mighty have fallen! Woe is the day when we see two great Dragon Queens put on such mighty displays of epic failure-tude.

 

Since moving to Seattle, my life has been what one might call charmed. But this week has been my unveiling. It all began when a certain Dead Acorn called me by another Dragon’s Name. (You might know her by her affection for BABIES and DRAGONS in OVEN MITTS or on ROLLER SKATES.) Since then, I slept beyond my alarm which resulted in me sprinting, shoelaces untied, teeth unbrushed, to the bus stop to catch a bus half an hour after the one I was meant to catch. What was I late for, you might ask… well, I’ll tell you. A really fabulous volunteer opportunity: running a writing workshop for high school kids based on writing from art using the Picasso exhibit. Oh how my nostrils were flared and smoking on the way to the museum, panicked that I was going to be kicked to the curb after such an episode, without any contact numbers for the program directors. Just me, and the even smellier guy on the bus. Fortunately, I knew, the kids wouldn’t mind my unwashed mane.

 

And, as it turns out, the program directors were perfectly generous, merciful, and are going to allow me back.

 

But wait! There’s more. A parent complaint at work for my “mishandling” of their “not picking up their kid from school and so the kid was crying at my desk but couldn’t tell me the last name or phone number of the person who was supposed to pick them up” situation at work the other day.

 

Oh well, I say! I will not fail alone!

 

I’ve been meaning to write about this “film” for a while. I watched it this summer, with my mom, because it was for free on OnDemand. (O! How I miss my parent’s free HBO and very, very big TV!). This film, you might have gotten from the title, was the MEGHAN FOX vehicle, Jennifer’s Body. I had sort of seen this in the periphery and knew it only by the sort of slutty and also sort of gross picture of Meghan Fox (pictured below). Between the advertising the movie title, I assumed this was a movie centered entirely around a hot chic’s body. Which, considering today’s movies and Meghan Fox’s particular move choices, wouldn’t be too surprising (see Transformer and Transformer 2, plus her one time stint on Two and a Half Men (don’t ask me why I know this…)). (Woo! Parentheses party!)

 

So anyway, we are watching this movie and I am stunned… STUNNED… by the dialogue. It is sooo bad. And also… soo gooood. And also… not working, for some reason. Is it Meghan Fox? Perhaps she can’t act?! (gasp!) Or Amanda Segfried? Star of such gems as Dear John and Veronica Mars and that Abba movie? Or maybe it’s that guy from The OC? Is my sarcasm not simply DRIPPING…

 

But it wasn’t just the performances. In fact, I nearly enjoyed Meghan Fox , was almost charmed when she talked about “poo.”

 

And yet, and yet… this film fell short. And the whole time, as each line of dialogue cascaded into the open living room, I kept thinking that this movie should be so much better.

 

Witness the following:

 

Jennifer Check: I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

 

and then…

 

Needy Lesnicky: Jennifer's evil.
Chip Dove: I know.
Needy Lesnicky: No. I mean, she's actually evil. Not high school evil.

 

 

I still don’t know why it flopped.

 

But at the end I learned why the dialogue kept leaking the faintest stench of brilliance, the overwhelming sense of unfulfilled potential: “Written by Diablo Cody”

 

Some of you may remember her as the writer of the oh-so-clever dialogue of Juno.

 

And so I repeat, O! how these dragons have fallen from the sky like fiery meteors.

Or at least disappointing people a little bit.