Spenser and New Moon: The Thesis that I Should Have Written

AmberN was nice enough to journey with me to see NEW MOON, even though she had already seen the many fruits the tree of NM bore. That sentence doesn't make sense, but onward I will go. Throughout the course of the day, I told people that I was seeing the movie--nay, film--for "research" purposes, but I don't think they believed me.
Little did anyone know that meanwhile the Fairy Queen (I mean, they spell it all old school english-y, but no worries) is running alongside my mind the whole time.

Here's what you need to know about New Moon, most of which you can learn from the first two minutes.
1.) It's insanely literal. It's called New Moon. The first thing you see? Hint: not an old sun. Everything is explained. Everything is explicit. Except for why all of these foxy (wolfy? ...and 17. so so wrong) men are into the reticent Bella. Want some subtle foreshadowing that lovestruck Jacob is about to turn into a hot werewolf with shorn hair? See the wolf picture tacked to the wall. See the dialogue referring to them as "puppies." See the brooding looks everyone is throwing at everyone else at ALL times! Do you want to show Bella being emo and the passage of time? Have her sit in the chair in front of a window. Have the camera pan around her in circles. Then, have someone rake leaves outside. And water grass. And shovel snow. I don't even know if these are what happens, but I'm assuming so since it's the most obvious image I can milk from each season.
2.) It's all...so....heavy. So.much.passion. They.can't.be.together. There is this hilarious voiceover at the beginning that I'm assuming is an excerpt from the text which I'm assuming is excerpted from Romeo and Juliet (cause if it was Stephanie Meyer there'd be more adverbs...PWN'd). I just found it. "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss,consume." I mean, cool, if you have a codpiece. But if your voice is monotone and you're saying words like delights, it's at once the worst and best thing EVER! OH YEAH! I talk in absolutes!

Now. Let me talk FQ. The Fairy Queen is an insanely long poem written by Spenser (E-Spens, his Jersey shore nickname) during the Elizabethian era. There are six books (though E-spens wanted to do twelve), each centering around a particular knight that represents some some sort of desirable quality or virtue. So, for example, book two is Temperance. Now, you might think that temperance wouldn't be thrilling, but there is some crazy motherfucking shit that happens in these books, which is pretty much verbatim from assorted critics. But here's the thing: the knights aren't strictly allegorical--sorta a departure for this point in time. So instead of having the character Temperance, you have a temperate man. That means he has wiggle room to screw up. Lovez it. My point, however, which I assure you I have, is that Spenser constantly pulls the rug out from under you. He's like an electron according to the uncertainty principle. You never know what he means, only what he might mean. I'm supposed to be working on my thesis, but all I can think about is how Spenser is absolutely bananas. And he pretty much invented his own rhyme scheme. WHO DOES THAT?

Here is what I'm thinking. WHAT IF you did a mash up of the two? What if some of E-Spens's ambiguity was to be passed along to Twilight? And we'll throw the rhyme scheme in as well. I want the vampire to talk in rhyme. And what if you infused the FQ with a tad less ambiguity a la Twilight along with of course, a werewolf, cliff jumping, and sparkles?!

You are welcome for saving the future of literature.