Jennifer's Body, or The Dragon's Demotion

O, how the mighty have fallen! Woe is the day when we see two great Dragon Queens put on such mighty displays of epic failure-tude.

 

Since moving to Seattle, my life has been what one might call charmed. But this week has been my unveiling. It all began when a certain Dead Acorn called me by another Dragon’s Name. (You might know her by her affection for BABIES and DRAGONS in OVEN MITTS or on ROLLER SKATES.) Since then, I slept beyond my alarm which resulted in me sprinting, shoelaces untied, teeth unbrushed, to the bus stop to catch a bus half an hour after the one I was meant to catch. What was I late for, you might ask… well, I’ll tell you. A really fabulous volunteer opportunity: running a writing workshop for high school kids based on writing from art using the Picasso exhibit. Oh how my nostrils were flared and smoking on the way to the museum, panicked that I was going to be kicked to the curb after such an episode, without any contact numbers for the program directors. Just me, and the even smellier guy on the bus. Fortunately, I knew, the kids wouldn’t mind my unwashed mane.

 

And, as it turns out, the program directors were perfectly generous, merciful, and are going to allow me back.

 

But wait! There’s more. A parent complaint at work for my “mishandling” of their “not picking up their kid from school and so the kid was crying at my desk but couldn’t tell me the last name or phone number of the person who was supposed to pick them up” situation at work the other day.

 

Oh well, I say! I will not fail alone!

 

I’ve been meaning to write about this “film” for a while. I watched it this summer, with my mom, because it was for free on OnDemand. (O! How I miss my parent’s free HBO and very, very big TV!). This film, you might have gotten from the title, was the MEGHAN FOX vehicle, Jennifer’s Body. I had sort of seen this in the periphery and knew it only by the sort of slutty and also sort of gross picture of Meghan Fox (pictured below). Between the advertising the movie title, I assumed this was a movie centered entirely around a hot chic’s body. Which, considering today’s movies and Meghan Fox’s particular move choices, wouldn’t be too surprising (see Transformer and Transformer 2, plus her one time stint on Two and a Half Men (don’t ask me why I know this…)). (Woo! Parentheses party!)

 

So anyway, we are watching this movie and I am stunned… STUNNED… by the dialogue. It is sooo bad. And also… soo gooood. And also… not working, for some reason. Is it Meghan Fox? Perhaps she can’t act?! (gasp!) Or Amanda Segfried? Star of such gems as Dear John and Veronica Mars and that Abba movie? Or maybe it’s that guy from The OC? Is my sarcasm not simply DRIPPING…

 

But it wasn’t just the performances. In fact, I nearly enjoyed Meghan Fox , was almost charmed when she talked about “poo.”

 

And yet, and yet… this film fell short. And the whole time, as each line of dialogue cascaded into the open living room, I kept thinking that this movie should be so much better.

 

Witness the following:

 

Jennifer Check: I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

 

and then…

 

Needy Lesnicky: Jennifer's evil.
Chip Dove: I know.
Needy Lesnicky: No. I mean, she's actually evil. Not high school evil.

 

 

I still don’t know why it flopped.

 

But at the end I learned why the dialogue kept leaking the faintest stench of brilliance, the overwhelming sense of unfulfilled potential: “Written by Diablo Cody”

 

Some of you may remember her as the writer of the oh-so-clever dialogue of Juno.

 

And so I repeat, O! how these dragons have fallen from the sky like fiery meteors.

Or at least disappointing people a little bit.