Tuesday, June 16, 2009

You Gotta Risk It to Get the Biscuit: A Dragon Post Bonanza

Hello my dear & faithful readers! I'm sure that you're all aware of my deep, eternal love of the bad teen movie genre. And on my most recent dragon venture with AmandaB we redboxed what could only be described as the greatest bad teen movie of our times: FIRED UP!

The general plot is such as this: two star football player jock types who never double dip (so to speak) with the ladies, decide to abandon football camp ship & head on over to cheer camp so they can get to bumping & grinding at the all you can eat chearleader buffet (affectionately equated with the Olive Garden's breadstick basket within the film).

Within 5 minutes, any lover of the teen movie can figure out how these two dashing dudes will develop. Mr. Brunette Smart Guy will fall for the head cheerleader of his own team. Mr. Blond Surfer Deusch will meet some older hottie cheerleader. The boys will end up helping the cheerleaders achieve a monumental victory at the end of camp cheer competition.

So much potential for failure! And yet... every moment was pitch perfect. Right down to the creepily dirty younger sister & the ever-so-tongue-in-(ahem)-cheek dialogue that bore just the right amount of meta-awareness to understand exactly what was going on: cornball comedy. I mean, as Mr. Brunette Smart Guy will tell you: You have to risk it to get the biscuit. And biscuits we have, my friends. Biscuits we have.

Some Dragon Haiku

to be a dragon
o! what funny lives we'd lead
grocery shopping.

imagine dragons
in cars, parallel parking
tearing the leather.

or walking into
the library, asking for
books on chemistry.

no bunson burner
for me, thanks! I burn for a
dragon love story.

O! Dragon lover!
Where are you? See this fire? Come
burn these villages.

O to Be a Dragon

by Marianne Moore

If I, like Solomon, . . .
could have my wish—

my wish . . . O to be a dragon,
a symbol of the power of Heaven—of silkworm
size or immense; at times invisible.
Felicitous phenomenon!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Don't Squish My Squash

Really good places I've been pretending to be a dragon: Walmart, Portland, and a dollar theater screening of The Hannah Montana movie.

Walmart: more rattail dragons, but joined by spandex dragons. not to be confused with the greeter dragon!

Portland: dragons with goatees and slightly askew hipster hats.

The Hannah Montana Movie: I feel like this requires some explanation. On one hand, slapstick requires no explanation. People pretty much fall over or hit their heads on things and it's funny. But this movie. Man. You might not know this, loyal readers, but dragons are intellectuals. They like to get meta. They like to think about how they are thinking about how they are thinking about the fact that they are, indeed, dragons. But Hannah Montana was beyond the scope of this dragon. The CHARACTER is named Miley Stewart, who in her other life is blonde superstar Hannah Montana. Her dad on the show/in the movie is Bobbie Ray. In real life, these people are known as Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus (rattail fed miracle-grow into mullet Achey Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus! the very one!). Not only do I get confused about what is real/what is commenting on what is real/ what is not real/WHY NO ONE CAN FREAKING IDENTIFY HER SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE TOSSES ON A WIG, but I begin to wonder how Miley Cyrus's real mother feels about the fact that she is dead in the tv series/movie. Maybe we should ask a picture of Brooke Shields, because that is who portrays her dead mom in the movie.

Enough of that. Here are some dragon puns:

I didn't study for my dragon exam. I guess I'm going to have to WING it!

I once dated a slutty dragon and I got BURNED!

I was trying to stop a chatty dragon, but it's just was a total DRAG ON! (you can also use cigarettes/ dragging for this)

And don't worry, brother of mine. I will flame you in an upcoming post. Unless you want to guess post? You have a lot of dragon knowledge from WoW, no?

Monday, June 8, 2009

You Never Sausage a Place!

Say it out loud!

So AmandaB somehow thinks she's the one who's all Pro-Renaissance Fair... but golly gee! While she was gallavanting across Portland's hipster streets, I was driving into the ghettos of Idaho to find myself a dashing Knight! Or Chain Mail! Or jousting! Or all three of them in some holy trinity of Renaissance Fun!

Alas, it was not so. Among the grassy knolls of Settler's Park I found "Nancy's Cookies" and balloon animals and yes... you would not think it could ever disapoint, but, Hawaiian Shaved Ice! I am almost certain that King Arthur never indulged in such sugary delights. This Renaissance Fair was nothing if not disappointing. There weren't even dragons! There weren't even painted plywood cutouts of dragons! In the immortal words of my man Chuckie... they totally "phoned it in."

But all was not lost. This was a day of festivals and somebody was bound to survive my critical eye.

Up next? Greek Food Festival. Sure, no dragons were likely to appear but there would be music and dancing and then I found myself wondering... Greek "food" Festival? Like... if there's the music and the dancing and the market and the Greek Orthodox Service... isn't it just a "Greek" Festival? Alas... no. Upon arrival you quickly learn that the point is not the music, dancing, arts & crafts, or even religion. It really, really is the food. The Greeks... well I knew this from living there... they know how to live. To eat is to live! And damn if the food wasn't to die for. Gyros with slammin' Tztiziki and dolmathes and so many delightful pastries. It more than made up for the fact that the music came from a cd player and the dancing was just a bunch of people holding hands and walking in circle... and poor kids, they even seemed confused about that!

Of course, a Gyro, good as it is, is no giant leg of flesh or mug of mead. Still, the day of festivals was a success.

And it was followed by flossing in public... can you say awwwwwkward.

What new adventure can I come up with next?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I am EXTREMELY pro renaissance fairs

My little dragon sister just pointed out that none of my posts have much to do with dragons.

Here we go:

This morning, as a dragon, I was eating a breakfast burrito and thinking about how much I wanted to watch Spiceworld, a movie featuring Meatloaf (big in dragon world, like the Hoff in Germany), aliens, and dresses made out of the Union Jack.

Last night, I was watching an older man change a lightbulb and I was struck with pity (if dragons could feel such a thing) because he couldn't light his own torches like I could (if I wanted to).

Yesterday, as a dragon, I was trimming my dragon toeclaws and watching Divorced Couple Family Feud. Then Judge Judy came on and I wanted to breathe fire on her doilie collar.

Dragons know their calculus. They know that you plus me equals us.