So, AmandaB and I were super excited to venture into Bitch Slap, a sundance film with a hilarious title that claimed to be an homage to B films of the past. And I suppose in some ways it was. But in more ways it was like watching a trashier version of Tarentino's Death Proof. With worse acting.
In the opening scene...a half naked hot chic with unnaturally large breasts breathes heavily on screen, dirty in the sand, (are we sure we're not talking a porn here... well, not so far from the truth as it turns out)... her lips parted... AmandaB and I in unison: "Is she orgasming?!?"
As it turns out, no. Camera pans to destruction about her. Flaming cars and trailers in the desert. Weapons and bodies strewn about. I mean, what's a girl to do?
The movie then flip flops through time, steadily working it's way further into the past where we get to meet Kevin Sorbo! (codename Phoenix) in dark sunglasses touting big guns. It's been decided that Kevin Sorbo is the most dragoniest dragon yet... except his time in the movie was limited and that remains (among many) a major flaw of the film. As we flip flop back and forth, the dialogue and story lines in the past gets better and better and the storylines in the present get more and more absurd. For example, the random water fight that goes on for no less than 5 minutes! To what end? I say libido. (See: Porn comment above.) Also, the random romantic interlude in the trailer (obviously before it's blown up). In the past? The book Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America. A cameo with Lucy Lawless (read: Xena Warrior Princess) as a nun. Kevin Sorbo. The freaky, freaky motorcycle death seen that you have to see to believe. Who knew castration could be so gruesome?
All in all I'd say it took a good 15-20 minutes to get a hold on what was going on, besides T&A. But there was a whole lot of T&A.
(Go on Dead Acorn, Rejoice! Put it on your netflix queue. You know you want to.)
And so you know:
What does any of this have to do with dragons? Well, even dragons have to cover their eyes sometimes.
However, the accompanying Truffle fries from Boise Fry Company were delightful. Though perhaps not worth the $8 asking price.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
AWP, the nature documentary
Pan to a vertical forest, glass and rafters. Different pack animals congregate, traverse the hills, the escalators, elevators. I am a lone dragon here. To travel solitary means having the opportunity to observe others. I wander.In one level, tiny woodlands. Little pockets to hide. To meet others. To graze. On another, open views. You can see the sky. In another, dense forest. Creatures prowl, attack, bandy their products, shit on one another, in one another's territory, piss on their own territory, rub up against each other, mark trees and booths and other's bodies. "See this bear. I'm going home with this bear. It's my bear. Step off my bear." I try to tell them, though: "I didn't want to go home with your bear. I just liked your bear's poems and wanted to tell him." Girl bears spend a lot of time preening and a lot of time growling. Boy bears spend a lot of time rubbing their backs up against the girl bears, tongues lolling out, begging for relief.
"People won't mess with you. You look tough, scary," one gazelle tells me. "You're a dragon." I want to make friends and the animal kingdom shys away. When I dare approach them, they ruffle their feathers. "See. Look. I'm tough too. I'm scary. Look at my glorious mane. You don't scare me. I'll eat you alive." Or, "My feathers are so much prettier, more glorious than your measley scales, your spiney wings."
Some who know me don't remember me, or forget me, or pretend that I am scary or ugly even when they know better. Some, however, venture beyond. Some brave my sharp, sharp teeth. Some hold their hands out. I make temporary friends, little pockets of time, we graze together. I fly coops and drink at different ponds. I look for my own pack and cannot find one. Cannot hold on to the people I know as they travel with their own groups. Nobody seems to be able to hold on to a whole group for long but everyone seems happy prancing through the meadow, the sunlight shining on their backs, their faces gleaming in a wonderous daze, absorbing the bliss of this little eden in its fall.
"People won't mess with you. You look tough, scary," one gazelle tells me. "You're a dragon." I want to make friends and the animal kingdom shys away. When I dare approach them, they ruffle their feathers. "See. Look. I'm tough too. I'm scary. Look at my glorious mane. You don't scare me. I'll eat you alive." Or, "My feathers are so much prettier, more glorious than your measley scales, your spiney wings."
Some who know me don't remember me, or forget me, or pretend that I am scary or ugly even when they know better. Some, however, venture beyond. Some brave my sharp, sharp teeth. Some hold their hands out. I make temporary friends, little pockets of time, we graze together. I fly coops and drink at different ponds. I look for my own pack and cannot find one. Cannot hold on to the people I know as they travel with their own groups. Nobody seems to be able to hold on to a whole group for long but everyone seems happy prancing through the meadow, the sunlight shining on their backs, their faces gleaming in a wonderous daze, absorbing the bliss of this little eden in its fall.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Tim McGraw was Robbed, Bitches.
I am not sure why I called shotgun on the right/honor to write about The Blind Side, but I'm pretty certain that it has something to do with Tim McGraw. Before I begin, I should probably divulge my past relationship with Tim.
...So maybe I went to his concert one time. It wasn't my fault. My bff in high school was obsessed with him (I mean, she also went through a J-Lo phase, so this was no big deal), to the point where one Christmas I bought her a charcoal portrait of him from a mall kiosk.
You should probably also know that Tim McGraw has his own cologne. It's called McGraw.
He is also the singer of the song "Indian Outlaw." You should also probably listen to the song on YouTube. Here are three little verses:
You can find me in my wigwam
I'll be beatin' on my tom-tom
Pull out the pipe and smoke you some
Hey and pass it around
I can kill a deer or buffalo
With just my arrow and my hickory bow
>From a hundred yards don't you know
I do it all the time
They all gather 'round my teepee
Late at night tryin' to catch a peek at me
In nothin' but my buffalo briefs
I got 'em standin' in line
The other verses probably cover any other stereotypes you might think of.
ANYWAY, picture AmandaB, AmberN, and CMcGee settling into their dollar theater seats. Insert voice over of Sandra Bullock talking about football in a Southern accent. And then, there it is--Tim McGraw's name, on the screen. Tim McGraw is in The Blind Side! We all start laughing, and by all I mean the three of us and nobody else. From there on out, I knew I had nothing to fear.
I kept waiting for his appearance, with his mustachio and cowboy hat, and then I realized that I had been looking at him all along. He is Sandy's bitch (I mean husband) in the film. I CANT EVEN DEAL. I never thought I would be one for a cowboy hat, but he looks so much better with his cowboy hat on. On, Tim, ON! Every time Sandy and Tim had to act affectionate, I'm pretty sure I covered my eyes. It made me so uncomfortable. I can't even explain it. It was just weird.
The Blind Side was nominated for best picture. So, I guess I thought it would be good....and it appeared, on exiting the theater, that our fellow movie-goers were satisfied. It drives me bonkers, however, when "feel good" movies reduce people, situations, etc., to something that requires an insane amount of suspension of disbelief. It's so calculatingly sentimental. I feel like this guy's story is such a good story, but all the edges have been lopped off. And don't even get me started on the precocious little child with the teeth.
...maybe I don't get it because I've been trying to watch all of the other best picture nominees. I have a huge crush on District 9. I CRIED! Suck on that, The Blind Side. And after last night, District B13--an Oscar nom in my heart. Let us all take a moment to appreciate the joys of synchronized wall climbing, K2, and bromances.
Maybe it's because I just finished Season One of Dexter, or because I'm starting season two of Mad Men. Or because I just watched season four of It's Always Sunny. (Best spring break ever.) Apparently I like to watch programming full of terrible/conflicted people. You know what? I think this one is probably on me. I have been too hard on the Blind Side, and Tim McGraw especially. And so, I officially would like to start campaigning for Tim for next year's Oscar race. I had to choose between something called "Dirty Girl" and this http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1555064/ and I think the latter wins. (Though I would be equally uncomfortable with him being the love interest of G-Pal or the chick from Gossip Girl.)
Thesis defense on Monday! Steve Holt!
...So maybe I went to his concert one time. It wasn't my fault. My bff in high school was obsessed with him (I mean, she also went through a J-Lo phase, so this was no big deal), to the point where one Christmas I bought her a charcoal portrait of him from a mall kiosk.
You should probably also know that Tim McGraw has his own cologne. It's called McGraw.
He is also the singer of the song "Indian Outlaw." You should also probably listen to the song on YouTube. Here are three little verses:
You can find me in my wigwam
I'll be beatin' on my tom-tom
Pull out the pipe and smoke you some
Hey and pass it around
I can kill a deer or buffalo
With just my arrow and my hickory bow
>From a hundred yards don't you know
I do it all the time
They all gather 'round my teepee
Late at night tryin' to catch a peek at me
In nothin' but my buffalo briefs
I got 'em standin' in line
The other verses probably cover any other stereotypes you might think of.
ANYWAY, picture AmandaB, AmberN, and CMcGee settling into their dollar theater seats. Insert voice over of Sandra Bullock talking about football in a Southern accent. And then, there it is--Tim McGraw's name, on the screen. Tim McGraw is in The Blind Side! We all start laughing, and by all I mean the three of us and nobody else. From there on out, I knew I had nothing to fear.
I kept waiting for his appearance, with his mustachio and cowboy hat, and then I realized that I had been looking at him all along. He is Sandy's bitch (I mean husband) in the film. I CANT EVEN DEAL. I never thought I would be one for a cowboy hat, but he looks so much better with his cowboy hat on. On, Tim, ON! Every time Sandy and Tim had to act affectionate, I'm pretty sure I covered my eyes. It made me so uncomfortable. I can't even explain it. It was just weird.
The Blind Side was nominated for best picture. So, I guess I thought it would be good....and it appeared, on exiting the theater, that our fellow movie-goers were satisfied. It drives me bonkers, however, when "feel good" movies reduce people, situations, etc., to something that requires an insane amount of suspension of disbelief. It's so calculatingly sentimental. I feel like this guy's story is such a good story, but all the edges have been lopped off. And don't even get me started on the precocious little child with the teeth.
...maybe I don't get it because I've been trying to watch all of the other best picture nominees. I have a huge crush on District 9. I CRIED! Suck on that, The Blind Side. And after last night, District B13--an Oscar nom in my heart. Let us all take a moment to appreciate the joys of synchronized wall climbing, K2, and bromances.
Maybe it's because I just finished Season One of Dexter, or because I'm starting season two of Mad Men. Or because I just watched season four of It's Always Sunny. (Best spring break ever.) Apparently I like to watch programming full of terrible/conflicted people. You know what? I think this one is probably on me. I have been too hard on the Blind Side, and Tim McGraw especially. And so, I officially would like to start campaigning for Tim for next year's Oscar race. I had to choose between something called "Dirty Girl" and this http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1555064/ and I think the latter wins. (Though I would be equally uncomfortable with him being the love interest of G-Pal or the chick from Gossip Girl.)
Thesis defense on Monday! Steve Holt!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Bucket List
As the countdown begins to my permanent departure from Boise, two Dragons prepare to live out an epic flight of dragon fun! We do plan to document with pictures (that may or may not make it to the blog.)
This list was written on a napkin at the Boise Fry Company where I popped my BFC cherry with the purple curly fries. I will now carry the Bucket List in my wallet. We will add to this list as we come up with them.
ACTIVITIES
Karaoke + Fireball Whiskey Shots + Spice Girls "Two Become One": AmandaB will also dance on a pole.
Go to JC Penny & Youth Ranch to try silly outfits
Bowling
Laser Tag
RIDE SEGUES!!! (which may be cut for financial concerns, which makes me sad)
TRIPLE BLOW UP, on camera. (If you've had the experience of seeing me, AmandaB, or C Mcgee blow it up, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.)
Long day with our pals at Harry's, like how we used to do, with the many PBR's.
Epic Drinking Night Part II (with C Mcgee! and Drunk Jenga!)
Shotgun a PBR (the last two may go together)
MOVIES
Bitch Slap
Hot Tub Time Machine
How to Train Your Dragon
Dragon Wars (the 3rd appearance)
FOOD
Boise Fry Company: Truffle fries & Bison Burger
Donnie Macs: Dollar PBR's and Spaghettios in a can!
Nancy's Cookie
Bosnian Express Gyros
Hawaiian Shaved Ice (which will hopefully return by the time I leave)
A night of coconut popsicles & a bottle of Barefoot's Pinot Grigio
You got it right. Our lives are better than other people's.
This list was written on a napkin at the Boise Fry Company where I popped my BFC cherry with the purple curly fries. I will now carry the Bucket List in my wallet. We will add to this list as we come up with them.
ACTIVITIES
Karaoke + Fireball Whiskey Shots + Spice Girls "Two Become One": AmandaB will also dance on a pole.
Go to JC Penny & Youth Ranch to try silly outfits
Bowling
Laser Tag
RIDE SEGUES!!! (which may be cut for financial concerns, which makes me sad)
TRIPLE BLOW UP, on camera. (If you've had the experience of seeing me, AmandaB, or C Mcgee blow it up, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.)
Long day with our pals at Harry's, like how we used to do, with the many PBR's.
Epic Drinking Night Part II (with C Mcgee! and Drunk Jenga!)
Shotgun a PBR (the last two may go together)
MOVIES
Hot Tub Time Machine
Dragon Wars (the 3rd appearance)
FOOD
Nancy's Cookie
Hawaiian Shaved Ice (which will hopefully return by the time I leave)
A night of coconut popsicles & a bottle of Barefoot's Pinot Grigio
You got it right. Our lives are better than other people's.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Vampire Diaries, take XXXXXX
Ok! I admit it! I love bad tv. Maybe this wasn't such a surprise to you, dearest readers.
What may surprise you is that, despite my love of bad tv, I do have standards. I do have limits. I may have loved Moonlight for it's bad, bad, bad, awfully bad dialogue (It's like killing two bats with one stone.), but Vampire Diaries, my friends, is a whole different story.
It's not something I would have picked up on my own. It's true, I have a certain affection for Buffy and Tru Blood-- because they are both really good, and both deal with the real world through this overarching metaphor. And because they are funny and smart. And I've seen Twilight, granted I saw it the first time before I even knew what Twilight mania was, and became more interested in it after I learned of Twilight mania (because that's just effing hilarious-- tweens and middle aged women... gross). But I'm not a "vampire" person. I'm clearly a "dragon" person. And yet, because I love Buffy, now people assume I will enjoy all things with vampires in them?
Or maybe I really am both a "dragon" and "vampire" person.
Either way, Vampire Diaries was recommended to me. I had no idea what I was getting into. I watched 3 episodes and marveled at the stupidity and tenacity of the worst acting, dialogue, sound, cinematography, lore, of any vampire thing I've seen to date (including Twilight). It's the Days of Our Lives for nighttime teen drama. It really makes me wonder... with all of this technology, how cheaply we can make a movie or tv show, how much faster, that production quality can actually have gone DOWN. I mean, wasn't all this fancy shit supposed to make stuff better? Not worse. And, like, sure these kids are attractive. But whatever. Almost everyone in Hollywood is. But GOD, give me someone who can at least act a little bit.
ANYWAY, that's my rant.
So...
And what about this? Plane kills Jogger? WTF?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Acadamy Awards, Thesis Prep, & A Serious Confession
Tomorrow I defend my thesis. I sit in a room with professors and peers and I'm asked what I did, why I did it, and expected to quote philosophers and theoreticians in order to prove that I know what I'm doing.
I've spent many hours over the last year, and even more tonight, pouring through philosophy and lit crit and autobiography theory looking for magical quotations that will define my intentions succinctly and attached to a name more promising than my own (See: Derrida. See: Barthes. See: Everyone but me.)
The result of all of this extra reading? Braindeadedness. I have little mental energy left at the end of each day and so end up watching bad shows, like LOST, or, as now, watching the Acadamy Awards while reading through my thesis and making notes about appropriation and talking to Dead People. (What? You didn't know I do that?)
I've seen some of the movies nominated, and not others.
Which brings me to my confession. The first time I heard Sandra Bullock was going to be in a football movie I just said "WTF?" And then never paid it any mind. Never saw the trailer. Didn't know anything about it except Sandra Bullock + Football.
Recently, however, I have seen the trailer. Several times over the course of the Acadamy Awards.
I confess, I want to see this movie. Every time I see the trailer my whole chest wells up and I get a little teary.
This could be more a result of thesis stress rather than the trailer, but I think the trailer also has something to do with it.
I also want to see Precious. That's not a confession. That seems reasonable.
I'm still not sold on Avatar.
And I'm disappointed in Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Even though they wore a couple's snuggie! That was pretty great.
Tomorrow at 4pm I'm going to put on my oven mitts and talk about my poems from the perspective of a dragon. I'm a mythical creature. My poems are mythical creatures. Thesis Defense=Dragon Wars.
Food for thought: Dragons eating PB&J. Does the peanut buttered wonderbread stick to the roof of their mouth? If it's chunky, can they roast the peanuts by breathing fire?
Things just went icky. Sorry.
Dragons!
I've spent many hours over the last year, and even more tonight, pouring through philosophy and lit crit and autobiography theory looking for magical quotations that will define my intentions succinctly and attached to a name more promising than my own (See: Derrida. See: Barthes. See: Everyone but me.)
The result of all of this extra reading? Braindeadedness. I have little mental energy left at the end of each day and so end up watching bad shows, like LOST, or, as now, watching the Acadamy Awards while reading through my thesis and making notes about appropriation and talking to Dead People. (What? You didn't know I do that?)
I've seen some of the movies nominated, and not others.
Which brings me to my confession. The first time I heard Sandra Bullock was going to be in a football movie I just said "WTF?" And then never paid it any mind. Never saw the trailer. Didn't know anything about it except Sandra Bullock + Football.
Recently, however, I have seen the trailer. Several times over the course of the Acadamy Awards.
I confess, I want to see this movie. Every time I see the trailer my whole chest wells up and I get a little teary.
This could be more a result of thesis stress rather than the trailer, but I think the trailer also has something to do with it.
I also want to see Precious. That's not a confession. That seems reasonable.
I'm still not sold on Avatar.
And I'm disappointed in Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Even though they wore a couple's snuggie! That was pretty great.
Tomorrow at 4pm I'm going to put on my oven mitts and talk about my poems from the perspective of a dragon. I'm a mythical creature. My poems are mythical creatures. Thesis Defense=Dragon Wars.
Food for thought: Dragons eating PB&J. Does the peanut buttered wonderbread stick to the roof of their mouth? If it's chunky, can they roast the peanuts by breathing fire?
Things just went icky. Sorry.
Dragons!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Spenser and New Moon: The Thesis that I Should Have Written
AmberN was nice enough to journey with me to see NEW MOON, even though she had already seen the many fruits the tree of NM bore. That sentence doesn't make sense, but onward I will go. Throughout the course of the day, I told people that I was seeing the movie--nay, film--for "research" purposes, but I don't think they believed me.
Little did anyone know that meanwhile the Fairy Queen (I mean, they spell it all old school english-y, but no worries) is running alongside my mind the whole time.
Here's what you need to know about New Moon, most of which you can learn from the first two minutes.
1.) It's insanely literal. It's called New Moon. The first thing you see? Hint: not an old sun. Everything is explained. Everything is explicit. Except for why all of these foxy (wolfy? ...and 17. so so wrong) men are into the reticent Bella. Want some subtle foreshadowing that lovestruck Jacob is about to turn into a hot werewolf with shorn hair? See the wolf picture tacked to the wall. See the dialogue referring to them as "puppies." See the brooding looks everyone is throwing at everyone else at ALL times! Do you want to show Bella being emo and the passage of time? Have her sit in the chair in front of a window. Have the camera pan around her in circles. Then, have someone rake leaves outside. And water grass. And shovel snow. I don't even know if these are what happens, but I'm assuming so since it's the most obvious image I can milk from each season.
2.) It's all...so....heavy. So.much.passion. They.can't.be.together. There is this hilarious voiceover at the beginning that I'm assuming is an excerpt from the text which I'm assuming is excerpted from Romeo and Juliet (cause if it was Stephanie Meyer there'd be more adverbs...PWN'd). I just found it. "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss,consume." I mean, cool, if you have a codpiece. But if your voice is monotone and you're saying words like delights, it's at once the worst and best thing EVER! OH YEAH! I talk in absolutes!
Now. Let me talk FQ. The Fairy Queen is an insanely long poem written by Spenser (E-Spens, his Jersey shore nickname) during the Elizabethian era. There are six books (though E-spens wanted to do twelve), each centering around a particular knight that represents some some sort of desirable quality or virtue. So, for example, book two is Temperance. Now, you might think that temperance wouldn't be thrilling, but there is some crazy motherfucking shit that happens in these books, which is pretty much verbatim from assorted critics. But here's the thing: the knights aren't strictly allegorical--sorta a departure for this point in time. So instead of having the character Temperance, you have a temperate man. That means he has wiggle room to screw up. Lovez it. My point, however, which I assure you I have, is that Spenser constantly pulls the rug out from under you. He's like an electron according to the uncertainty principle. You never know what he means, only what he might mean. I'm supposed to be working on my thesis, but all I can think about is how Spenser is absolutely bananas. And he pretty much invented his own rhyme scheme. WHO DOES THAT?
Here is what I'm thinking. WHAT IF you did a mash up of the two? What if some of E-Spens's ambiguity was to be passed along to Twilight? And we'll throw the rhyme scheme in as well. I want the vampire to talk in rhyme. And what if you infused the FQ with a tad less ambiguity a la Twilight along with of course, a werewolf, cliff jumping, and sparkles?!
You are welcome for saving the future of literature.
Little did anyone know that meanwhile the Fairy Queen (I mean, they spell it all old school english-y, but no worries) is running alongside my mind the whole time.
Here's what you need to know about New Moon, most of which you can learn from the first two minutes.
1.) It's insanely literal. It's called New Moon. The first thing you see? Hint: not an old sun. Everything is explained. Everything is explicit. Except for why all of these foxy (wolfy? ...and 17. so so wrong) men are into the reticent Bella. Want some subtle foreshadowing that lovestruck Jacob is about to turn into a hot werewolf with shorn hair? See the wolf picture tacked to the wall. See the dialogue referring to them as "puppies." See the brooding looks everyone is throwing at everyone else at ALL times! Do you want to show Bella being emo and the passage of time? Have her sit in the chair in front of a window. Have the camera pan around her in circles. Then, have someone rake leaves outside. And water grass. And shovel snow. I don't even know if these are what happens, but I'm assuming so since it's the most obvious image I can milk from each season.
2.) It's all...so....heavy. So.much.passion. They.can't.be.together. There is this hilarious voiceover at the beginning that I'm assuming is an excerpt from the text which I'm assuming is excerpted from Romeo and Juliet (cause if it was Stephanie Meyer there'd be more adverbs...PWN'd). I just found it. "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss,consume." I mean, cool, if you have a codpiece. But if your voice is monotone and you're saying words like delights, it's at once the worst and best thing EVER! OH YEAH! I talk in absolutes!
Now. Let me talk FQ. The Fairy Queen is an insanely long poem written by Spenser (E-Spens, his Jersey shore nickname) during the Elizabethian era. There are six books (though E-spens wanted to do twelve), each centering around a particular knight that represents some some sort of desirable quality or virtue. So, for example, book two is Temperance. Now, you might think that temperance wouldn't be thrilling, but there is some crazy motherfucking shit that happens in these books, which is pretty much verbatim from assorted critics. But here's the thing: the knights aren't strictly allegorical--sorta a departure for this point in time. So instead of having the character Temperance, you have a temperate man. That means he has wiggle room to screw up. Lovez it. My point, however, which I assure you I have, is that Spenser constantly pulls the rug out from under you. He's like an electron according to the uncertainty principle. You never know what he means, only what he might mean. I'm supposed to be working on my thesis, but all I can think about is how Spenser is absolutely bananas. And he pretty much invented his own rhyme scheme. WHO DOES THAT?
Here is what I'm thinking. WHAT IF you did a mash up of the two? What if some of E-Spens's ambiguity was to be passed along to Twilight? And we'll throw the rhyme scheme in as well. I want the vampire to talk in rhyme. And what if you infused the FQ with a tad less ambiguity a la Twilight along with of course, a werewolf, cliff jumping, and sparkles?!
You are welcome for saving the future of literature.
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