So I’m going to admit something embarrassing…but I figure that’s sort of what this blog is for. Growing up, when I was four, five, six, seven years old, I had crushes on major actions stars. Many, many action stars. But in this case I’m going to discuss two in particular: Kurt Russell & Sylvester Stalone.
As far as these youthful loves were concerned, it was Kurt Russell in Overboard wearing a freakishly nipple bearing tank top &, even more prominently was Rambo who made regular appearances in my pre-tween dreams. (A re-occuring dream, in fact, where I climbed big, big cliffs from which I inevitably fell… into muscular & somewhat sweaty Rambo’s arms.)
In honor of these once upon a time crushes, I whimsically checked out Tango & Cash from the library. I was actually there to return books & checked the movie aisles while I was there. It felt… I don’t know… right. Nostalgic. Sure, I’m smart enough to know it’s not good, but I’m also young enough to feel affection for it. For the times when I was a young little girl, sitting on what was then my parent’s sectional sofa (they’ve since upgraded to a classy leather number), watching these two studlies go all shoot-em-up with my father. (He probably wouldn’t have called them studlies.)
So, I have this movie sitting by my television. I make a nice dinner, sit down, pour a glass of pinot noir. What to do next? I decide it’s laugh riot extravaganza time.
And the movie definitely delivers—everything from the exceptionally bad dialogue to Kurt Russell’s most hilariously large & funny shaped gun—but something is wrong. Dear Readers, please forgive me. This movie…ugh… I feel sick just saying this… somehow reminds me of why I was attracted to Kurt Russell. Sure, he still has the mullet & the too tight jeans & the awkwardly cut-up tee shirts. But there’s something—the jib of his chiseled jaw, his gristled facial hair, his squinty blue eyes. Something absurdly sexy about him. Sylvester too, somehow even better in a suit.
In neither case does it last. Their charms wear off in about three minutes. But the movie? Well that continues to be charming.
Sylvester plays Tango, the bourgoise, stock-broking copper with over-sized biceps & a tailored suit—not in it for the dough, but the justice. Kurt plays Cash, your regular, blue-collar dick, the kind who likes his mirror image & has a chip on his shoulder.
They’re framed for murder by the Asian drug-lord they’ve both been catching in the swindle. They plea bargain & go to prison, supposedly minimum security, but instead they’re sent to general population. They both glisten like angels as, in the grand tradition of prison movies, they are attacked by their fellow inmates (dipped in electrified pools of water) & then escape (sliding down electric cables hanging onto their belts for dear life-- this movie is, shall we say, electric?) on a mission to prove their innocence. Which, after many explosions, they do.
Notable dialogue:
“When this is over remind me to rip this guy’s throat out.” ~Cash
“With a tow truck.” ~Tango
“When this is over we have to pay Java the Hut here a visit.” ~Tango
“I’ll bring the chainsaw.” ~Cash
“I’ll bring the beer.” ~Tango
“Can I be frank? I think you’re looking terribly anemic. I think what you need (sound of gun cocking) is a little iron in your diet.” ~Tango
Dragon News:
Thomas Edison was definitely a dragon.
Nikola Tesla was definitely a dragon.
I’m pretty sure their electrical battles were Dragon Wars!
PS. This post was sponsored by Steven Seagall, General Electric, & D-Wars (the movie).
Much love!
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