Nash out!

When I like to think about epic inventions, I think about the zipper, the wheel, the snuggie, and of course, the red box. Without the red box, I'm not sure I would be as versed as I am in what Hollywood has to offer, which in case you were wondering, is, um, a lot. Some people swear by the red box, while some people have no clue as to the joy it contains. (I liken it to quinoa in that way: a staple to some, a mystery to some.) In case you are one of the latter, the red box is essentially a vending machine for movies found at assorted grocery stores, McDonald's, and gas stations. You can get new releases for a dollar. Also, the red box is a large red box.

In any case, the red box has recently provided me with Steet Fighter: The Rise of Chun Li, and also Dragonball Evolution. These two movies left theaters before I had a chance to view them on the big screen, but I made sure to note in my trusty planner when they would be inserted into the red box and ready to fall into my clutches. These movies are alike in several key ways: a) they both connect back to my days of yore, b) they both contain ridiculous fight scenes, c) they both contain wise teachers who dispense wisdom about the fight coming from within, d) they are both really awesomely bad.

First, Street Fighter II. I have to start by saying that we played a lot of video games growing up. Street Fighter 2 Super was one of the games of my youth and Chun Li was my character. She was the less slutty of the two girls, had sweet buns, a magic rapid leg, and could throw fireballs. Also, her father was killed by M. Bison and she is trying to avenge his death. Pretty noble, right? Anyway, I was pretty unstoppable. It's always been a pet peeve of mine when girls say that they are good at video games (put that in your feminist pipe and smoke it) when they are usually terrible, but I'm telling you, I rarely lose with Chun Li. I spinning bird kicked my way through my brother who generally played with Ken (um, man crush, Kelly?) , through the dorms of Hamilton College and onward.

Now, the movie. There was Street Fighter One, which featured the OTHER V.D...... that would be J.C.V.D., so I mean, it's almost impossible to top that. I think he was Guile. In any case, Street Fighter Two focuses pretty much solely on Chun Li! My character!Perfect! Anyway, Chun Li is a concert pianist turned bad ass when M. Bison and Balrog (and Vega is thrown in there too) kidnap her father as part of their plans to take over the world. They eventually kill her father in front of her, but she has no time to be sad about that, even though it's the impetus for her mission, because there are always more asses to kick. The best part of this movie, however: Chris Klein. I always suspected that in Election he was essentially playing himself: sort of a doofus. But in Street Fighter, he is supposed to be a bad ass cop lady killer. It's like trying to ask dragons to not be bad ass. It's just not possible. The result: comedy gold. Although I saw this movie about a month ago, it is on my heart (just like a tattoo) now and forever thanks to Chris Klein.

Dragon Ball Evolution. Dragon Ball Z, the television show, has been on forever. I think it's one of those shows that gave kids seizures. Anyway, my brother used to watch it all the time, and by default, I had to do. Most of the time, people would fight by glowing and hurling glowingness at each other. Then there would be a lot of dust, the episode would end, and then the next episode you would find out what happened. What usually happened: some one died. But here is the thing: they always came back to life thanks to the freaking dragon balls. the dragon balls, like quantum physics, are beyond the scope of my intellect, but from what I understand, they bring people back to life occasionally. So the characters would constantly be killing each other, but most of the time it was all good because they always came back to life. In this movie, the evil Piccolo (who was good in the TV show, at least when I watched) is trying to collect the seven Dragon Balls to take over the world, while Goku (also, incidentally, upon the death of his wise and instructive grandfather at the hand of Piccolo) and his posse is trying to collect them as well, so they can save the world. This movie is a gem because a) Goku is foxy. FOXY!, b) Spike from Buffy is Piccolo, and c)because I don't know how the movie ends. I watch movies on an XBox 360 and it froze right before the big show down. The fact that I don't know whether the world has been saved only adds to my love of this film. Also, Piccolo is green and Piccolo sounds like Pickle, so there's that.

All I need now is a Chrono Trigger movie and another Mario movie.